Confidence, I have none.

The last few months have been hard. Trying to change is hard. Dealing with rejection after rejection while having little to no confidence is freaking cold stone.

I don’t know how other people do this. Face adversity and rejection over and over yet they still get up and go on to eventually fulfill their dreams. Meanwhile I just want to crawl under my blankets and pretend that I never wanted it in the first place.

Maybe at 40 years old I am just burned out with rejections of any kind, or maybe I have bought into the whole “only the younger generation matters” thing, that at my age I am not young enough to be a singer. Maybe it is just the whole confidence thing.

Confidence.

I have little to none. No confidence in my art work, my singing, my photography, my writing, no confidence in myself as a person. I look at people with little to no talent who make it big in their field and bitterly wonder WHY.

How the hell does someone with no talent, and/or no work ethic have the ability to do this? Is it luck? Is it because of their personal appearance? Is it their personality? Or is it just the fact that they have the ability to annoy someone over and over enough that the only way to get them out of your hair is to give them a chance to do what they want thereby making them someone elses problem?

No, I think it probably is the confidence thing. People are attracted to people who have confidence in themselves and their talent, even if it is in no way justified. People who have the ability to help someone, like to help those that have that spark of confidence.

I have seen it over and over. Mostly on Youtube. Look up some of the song covers and have a listen. Some of the people who have the most views have only mediocre talent, but they have a lot of confidence in their ability. It helps in some of these cases that they are physically attractive as well.

I know  I sound so jealous and bitter right now, but I am only trying to state the way I see things happening.

Really this isn’t about other people so much as I think it is. There are some tough maybe impossible questions I have, for which I need answers.

How do I go about finding confidence in me? What are some concrete ways that I can build my confidence? How can I deal with rejection over and over and not let it erode my confidence?

How will I know if what I am asking is impossible?

Bad Shock and Big Change

Today after my brother uploaded my Victoria Idol audition to Youtube I got a bad shock.   I know I am fat. There are just no two ways about that, but to know it and still move gracefully and easily and then to see it….to have it shoved in my face like a bad dream. I looked at the video and did not see myself. I saw some stranger wearing my clothes. I can’t truly say that it is just because of my weight, there has always been a big disconnection for me between my mind and my body.  OH geez that might just be my biggest problem with my weight. *smacks forehead*

Anyway, weight issues aside, and whether I will be the winner of Victoria Idol or not my life is forever going to be changed by the events in the upcoming months. Entering this contest at the behest of my best friend and my daughter has changed something in me. It has woken a dream long never forgotten, something I have tried to bury far deep inside and deny. I have never denied how much I enjoy singing, but I have tried so hard to pretend that it was not my joy, not my bliss to be able to share my voice with others and have them appreciate the gift that I have to give.

Once upon a time I wanted to be famous. I was ten, maybe a little older.

When I became a teenager I just wanted a few friends and for others not to make fun of me. At that time I was not fat. I was tall, big boned and big breasted, but I was not fat. (I have seen my old pictures) Being taller and larger than my classmates, as well as always being the new kid made me an outcast and a person to be bullied and ridiculed. I gave up every thought of being someone, of being accepted. I never wanted any attention drawn to me because even the good attention went bad. I had no friends, no confidants, every trust that I had ever given was in time betrayed. Even my mother at one time asked me, when I told her about the bullying “Well what did you do? You must have done something to deserve it. Kids just don’t pick on other kids for no reason”  (She would be horrified now, if I reminded her of her saying this)

I gave up my dreams of singing on stage and having people love like appreciate me for my gift, for my talent. People couldn’t even like me as a person. I was not prepared to share a part of me that was  (to my child’s mind) so intimate, so personal. So I hid. I retreated to my room and books and food. I traveled the world through pages where goodness,decency and doing the right and moral thing was if not immediately, always rewarded in the end. I day dreamed away my hurt and pain, that someday just like in the old black and white movies the man of my dreams would come along and he would fall madly in love with me at my sirens song and my physical ugliness would be transformed because of the beauty of my voice.

Growing up I sang mostly when I was alone. Exploring the woods or strolling the gravel roads late at night around the hamlet where my Grandparents lived. I took great pleasure in the thought of people hearing me and wondering where that lovely voice was coming from. They would never suspect it was me.

Now I have found that I have made a grave mistake. I have denied a part of me. I have let others have a power over me that has torn my soul.

No more. I may still be shy, and I may still falter and I may never go anywhere with this gift of mine, but I will no longer deny my joy, my bliss, the happiness that I feel when I sing and when people clap and cheer.

This whole disconnection between my mind and my body though… I just don’t know. Maybe I could sew them together??

Victoria Idol

Victoria Idol is a small local version of Canadian or American Idol. Only it allows all ages to enter instead of just a limited “marketable age range”.

Well I wanted to step outside of my comfort zone. I guess this would qualify. Although I sing at karaoke this is like a big fish small pond to small fish big pond moment. Maybe not even that, because even though I sing at karaoke and enjoy doing so, I am still not at ease. I still don’t have a “stage presence”. I sing yes and I have a damn good voice but I don’t have the showmanship.

What I need to do is somehow develop (in the next five days) a new personality or a split personality.  I need to be able to step on stage and shed the shy wallflower and become an entertaining performance Diva! It is so much easier to be out going and personable when I am at home alone. I don’t worry about making a fool out of myself and if I do something foolish I just laugh about it.  Hmmmm if only I could pretend to be home alone wherever I go. I would be a funny, outgoing, entertaining, energetic person that people would love to be around. Well pondering where and when I became crippled by shyness is going to have to wait for another post(if ever).

In the interim I have to practice, practice, practice. I have a few song choices that I feel confident that I can sing a capella. Whose bed have your boots been under or If you’re not in it for Love by Shania Twain, Proud Mary by Tina Turner, Amazing Grace  – a gospel standard, or maybe a Christmas song like Silver Bells or O Holy Night  before people get sick of listening to them.

I have five days before the first round of auditions, six days before the second and I don’t know if I am actually in either. I had the impression that after people dropped off their applications someone was supposed to phone people and let them know what day they would be auditioning, but now when I read the website it just looks like people should show up both days and wait to see if their name is called. In the mean time my body is stressing out. My stomach has so much nervous acid in it that I feel like eating a bottle of antacid tablets. I am trying not to freak out but I don’t think that I have ever wanted anything more. I have been singing since I could talk. When I was four I could sing Gypsys,Tramps and Thieves by Cher, apparently I was quite the little Diva then.

Now I am just rambling and spazzing out so I am going to cut it off here and write about how it went after it is all over.

Freedom to Roam

I have been taking the on-line practice test for my learner’s driving permit. I am consistently getting scores in the 90% area. I think I will be perfectly ready to take the real test in two weeks. Hopefully a year from now I will be confident enough in my driving to take my road test.

I can hardly wait until I can drive on my own. Jump into my own vehicle and go where I want to go. The island where I live is amazing, the beaches, the forests, the parks. I can’t wait to travel around it and explore. I can then develop my passion for photography (no pun intended).  One of the top things on my material wish list right behind a new computer is to own a Nikon D5000. My brother has one which is sooooo unfair,I can’t tell you why that is, you will just have to trust me on the unfairness of it.

I hope my cat can get used to riding around in an automobile. I would hate to leave her for days or even weeks at a time. I will get her a harness and a leash and we will hit the open road!

Marble Update

The vet visit and the surgery went fine yesterday. Marble was a perfect little patient.

I think that it may have changed her personality a little, but we shall see as the week goes on. Since she has been home she is waaaaay affectionate, she wants to cuddle and be petted all the time. She is also more vocal and purrs more. She has talked to me more in the last day and a half than in all the time she has lived with me. I am definitely not complaining, I love these changes I really hope that she stays this way.

Marble

My little kitty is getting fixed in the morning and I am already nervous. I know when I take her to the vet, she is going to be so scared. My tummy is already roiling, I don’t want to leave her, even though I will be able to pick her up at 3pm.

Right now I just want to cuddle her and make noises at her and tell her myself over and over what I already know is true. Everything is going to be OK. If I did that though Marble may would claw my hands into stinging red gloves.

She is definitely a cuddle me when I want, not when you want kind of girl.

Marble

Taking Control of Me

So here I am. Almost 40, overweight, seriously under accomplished, and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I am unhappy being the way I am, I have been for a long time.

The last few years I have been making small changes in my life, mostly with my diet. I no longer eat white bread, white sugar, my salt intake is way down, and butter is no longer a daily or even a weekly caloric indulgence. If I eat bread at all it’s whole multi-grain. I have switched from rice to Quinoa. Have 1% milk instead of 2% or homogenized. I don’t eat candy or candy bars like I did when I was 35 and if I want chocolate it’s either a small piece of dark chocolate or my Praventia cookies 150 cals per package.

I haven’t lost a damm thing. In fact I have gained weight.

*sigh* Now I am going to have to do stuff I really hate.

1. I am going to have o give up my occasional pop entirely. So long carbonated beverages……
2. I am going to have to find a way to eat small meals on a regular scheduled basis. (I got the small down, just not the regular schedule)
3. I am going to have to find the energy to exercise.

 

Why can’t I just give up stuff I like and lose the damm weight *whine*

I definitely need to find some other people to do this with, or I will never get my butt up and out into the world.

20,000 steps a day here I come.